Thankfully, as a society, we most all recognize that it is illegal and morally wrong to have sex with someone without their consent.
Apparently less agreed upon is the ideal that while not illegal (in most circumstances), it is also morally wrong and unethical to try to convince or pressure someone into consent. That reads, in my opinion, like a common sense ideal, but a recent experience and some discouraging research findings have led me to wonder if maybe it’s not so common sense after all. So, I’m adding my account to the dialogue for a few reasons:
- If this ideal is already common sense to you, I hope this post validates and mobilizes you
- If you’ve experienced something similar, I hope you find solidarity and empowerment in this post
- If this ideal is not common sense to you, I hope this post makes you uncomfortable enough to reconsider
A few months ago, a friend asked if he could set me up on a blind date with his boss. I said yes, because I enjoy meeting new people. (How strange I feel the need to justify – as if my consent to a date automatically signals consent to anything else.)
While there was no romantic attraction on my end, I saw potential for a friendship. I paid for my meal. (I’m unsure why I feel the need to clarify who paid for my food – as if I would have owed anything of myself in return for a free meal.)
He asked me out a few more times, and I declined a few times, eventually agreeing to get dinner with him “as a friend”. He said, “Cool, yeah, we can just hang out and see what happens.” (That was a red flag.)
I was dreading dinner, because I worried I wasn’t clear enough – but I go. I pick him up, we’re having a fine time, he’s in a pleasant mood. We get to the restaurant, and he boldly states, “Just to be clear, I’m not looking for a relationship, since I know that’s not what you’re interested in – I just want to hook up.”
After a moment of initial shock, embarrassment, and some uncomfortable stammering, I eventually say I would rather just be friends. His demeanor changes immediately. Irritated, he asks why. “I’m just not interested.”
Then – Silence. He immediately pulls out his phone, slumps in his chair, and ignores me for the remainder of the dinner, which was cut short when he left the table abruptly to go ask for the check before we’d even finished eating. I was appalled but relieved to be extinguished of his presence even momentarily.
On the way to the car, he begins an intense, degrading, relentless argument on why I should hook up with him.
ME: “No.” (For at least the 3rd time.)
HIM: “Come on.”
M: “I don’t want to risk pregnancy.”
H: “We’d use protection.”
M: “Accidents happen.”
H: “I think I’m impotent.”
M: “You think?”
H: “If you got pregnant I’d encourage an abortion.”
M: “At best, that would be incredibly inconvenient.” (I then informed him that he can fook right off acting like abortion is so accessible that this would really be a simple solution. – Sadly, it is quite tough for some women to safely get the abortion they want/need.)
H: “It would be fun. I’m really good at it, my favorite part is that the other person enjoys it.”
M: “I’m not enjoying this. You’re giving me severe anxiety.”
H: “We don’t have to have sex, we can do other stuff.”
M: “Nothing about my experience with you has given me any assurance that you can stop when asked to.”
H: “No, it’ll be easy. We can both just cum, then just lay there enjoying it.”
(And the demanding, degrading tone with which he carelessly threw such explicit language on me compounded my repulse and nervousness. I shudder typing it out. Verbatim, as the moment is branded on my memory.)
M: “Listen dude, I’m 100% not going to hook up with you.”
H: “This isn’t fair.”
M: “What isn’t fair? Why are you trying to convince me to do something I clearly don’t want to do?”
H: “That’s not fair.”
As we arrive at his place, he continues to beg me to come to his room or at least give him a kiss. I repeat a collage of the same excuses I’ve already given, alongside some more generic “no”s. He FINALLY, slowly & sulkily, exits my car.
As I drove away, I breathed a heavy sigh of relief, but the knot in my stomach continued to tighten. I was disgusted, upset, physically sick. He was so relentlessly harsh, degrading, disrespectful, controlling, belittling, and demeaning. He made me feel so small, anxious, powerless.
Quietly, the anxiety and hurt gave way to anger and shame.
I was humiliated that I had entertained a dialogue that he did not deserve. “I allowed him to undermine and devalue my authority over my body, my agency.” “I should have put an end to it after the second time I said no.” “I should have been MORE forward.” All of my responses were carefully calculated in attempt to exit the situation as quickly as possible without eliciting a violent or loud response from him, but I wish I had just gotten in my car, locked the door, and driven off.
The next day, still shaken and seeking validation, I Googled “Why do men try to convince women to have sex with them”. Knowing I’m not the first to experience something like this, I expected to find an array of intelligent pieces denouncing efforts to coerce consent.
On the contrary, here’s a sample of the first page of results:
“13 Ways to Encourage Women To Have Sex”
“How to Convince Your Girlfriend to Have Sex”
“Why Your Wife Hates Sex and What You Can Do About It”
“How to Make Your Girlfriend Want to Have Sex With You”
“How to Convince a Girl to Sleep With You”
“Still Stuck Trying to Convince Women to Have Sex With You? Read This…”
Also discouraging, “Related Searches” consisted of questions like:
How to convince a girl to sleep with you
How to make a woman want to sleep with you
How to convince a married woman to sleep with you
How to convince a girl to sleep with you on the first date
How to convince a religious girl to sleep with you
How to convince a female friend to sleep with you
Desperately searching for proof that I’m not alone in my thinking, I tried a more direct query: “stop trying to convince women to have sex with you”
The first return showed promise – “Stop Trying to Convince Girls to Sleep with You”
but upon review of the article's contents, I was let down again. –
“Want to f*ck that hot girl? Sell, sell, sell. Every one of your interactions should be a direct funnel to getting what you desire—usually sex. A girl’s job is to dissuade you from this path. Always redirect and put her back on the path that you want her on.”
Another article titled, “What Women Say In Bed and What they really mean,” stated:
“‘I don’t know’ means ‘try to convince me’.”
(Pause: Let me assure you that is not true. That is horrible advice.)
It was discouraging to read all of this. Most alarming to me is the culture that those “Related Searches” indicate and that those articles perpetuate. Knowing that the man who severely dehumanized me could have Googled something similar and found comfort, affirmation, and advice for next time is disheartening.
Despite, I’m still not convinced that I’m the only one who knows it’s unethical and morally wrong to convince or pressure someone to have sex. So, next time someone is seeking that confirmation, I hope they find this. (Because even as I'm writing now, I feel terribly alone. Though I know this isn't true, I wonder if I'm being dramatic or making something out of nothing.)
And next time someone is searching for advice on how to coerce someone into having sex, I hope they find this. Personally, I can’t fathom wanting to engage in intimacy with someone who did not match my desire. In my opinion, that is strange, gross, and pathetic. However, if that is not enough to turn you off, I implore you to consider the effect your actions have on the party you are harassing. I truly believe there are some good-hearted people out there who have made these mistakes, encouraged by the internet, without realizing the damaging consequences of their actions. If one of those people is reading this, they can no longer claim ignorance as a defense.
In conclusion, I want to make it clear that there is nothing unethical about a healthy sexual appetite as long as it is ethically fed. When someone does not consent, do not:
- use force (rape)
- continue/intensify your advances
- demand to know why
- treat her/him poorly
- make him/her feel bad for his/her choice
- argue with her/him
- harass or intimidate him/her
Approach the subjects of your sexual desires with respect and honesty (and maybe some charm, if you’ve got it). When you are rejected, again employ respect in your response.